The Sovereignty of God

As I mentioned in previous blog posts, it has not been easy accepting my having to leave France, albeit temporarily. During this time, I sometimes have wondered if it was going at all. But God then reminds me of His sovereignty. He never wastes a thing and all things work for the good of those who love him. And he uses all things for the purposes of His will and plans, which always prevail above man's. I praise God that He is sovereign and always at work when I am not.

God reminded me of this recently when my former teammate, Jim, was telling me of how things are going with the selling of my furniture back in Paris. (He and my other teammates there are selling my things in my apartment and closing things out on my behalf there. What a great team!)

"I sold your long Ikea wooden kitchen piece to a nice couple who live up escalier "B". When they told me that they were from the building across the way, I offered to help them get the piece over to their place. My daughter was with me, and helped out carrying things and just wearing her winsome smile. When we got there, he invited me for a drink. On the way up I told him why we are here in France. He wanted to talk more about that. Turns out that his grandfather was a priest in the Ukrainian/Russian Orthodox church, and then he shared some of his family's immigration history and after that we talked a bit about what makes us Evangelicals. He was very interested to share his pluralistic views too. He wants to talk more some time, so we exchanged addresses, and I will look him up again. You know, we are trying to expand our "contacts" and I would definitely say that I was able to add two more contacts to our team's list. I wouldn't hesitate at all to invite him to some event we have. He doesn't seem at all ready to embrace Christ as Lord, but his wife was listening intently to our conversation and I could tell that she was not a passive listener. "Freddy" has a friend in Italy (where he lived a number of years) who is a Baptist minister, and another Italian friend who is a Methodist minister. So I thought to myself, 'this guy has had a witness in his life, and God just must want to continue that witness.'"

Jim wanted to share that with me to encourage me by reminding me that being here for the time I was still opens doors for the gospel to get to people. Jim finished by saying "I almost can't wait for our next brocante (furniture sale) to see who God brings to us!"

Finding Contentment, Knowing Peace...

As many of you may know, I've recently gone back to the US on leave of absence from my work in Paris. In other words, I am no longer working in Paris on mission but am back in Toms River, NJ. I guess that means I should change the title of my blog from "Chronicles of My Life in Paris" to simply "Chronicles of My Life". I will be staying here in the US for at least one year to recover from some health issues that have been posing a problem to my well-being, both personally and professionally for several years now. At this time, the plan is to move in January 2011 to the headquarters of my mission in Kansas City, Missouri and work from the home office there for a year, evaluate how things are with my health by the end of the year and then return to France after this time.

But then again God's plans are never the same as mine, so I hold these ideas with an open and loose hand and expect the unexpected to happen after a year.

Needless to say, the decision to come back to the US and resign myself to these decisions have been difficult and not without pain. Firstly, I miss my friends, team and the life I left behind back in Paris. In addition, the Gospel still needs to go out to the many unsaved French there for whom I am still burdened. Secondly, the untimeliness of this all, of cutting short my missionary career, and of putting my "dreams" on hold still leaves me with mystified. For quite some time, I built up a reputation, if you will allow me to say, of being a "Frenchy", of working in a Francophone context. I was known as that one working in France. Now no more. At least for now. I no longer have my "being a missionary to France" to fall back on for my sense of identity.

The Lord must be doing something in this issue of identity. Because I will admit that I even had a sense of shame in returning to Toms River. I went back kicking and screaming in my heart. "No, Lord, no. Not Toms River." is what I would say in my heart repeatedly the week leading up to my departure. This is undoubtedly not healthy. Why should one be ashamed to return to one's hometown after working in Europe? What is so wrong with going from Paris to Toms River? Why do I snub this town so much in my heart? Why do I feel so shame inside myself when I am here?

Perhaps it is because I fear what people here may think of me. Perhaps it is due to the fact that I felt lonely during my high school years here. (I didn't really make good friends until my college years in California). Perhaps the Lord wants to bring some healing and closure to my life here? Perhaps he is making me face my past?

A woman who will be mentoring me this upcoming year emailed me a few weeks ago to see how I was doing. I told her at how I was feeling somewhat isolated here in Toms River, in limbo between Paris and the move to Missouri coming up in January. The advice she gave me was golden and I thank God for it: "Work on living in the present and finding contentment with God when it is just you and Him. God will use this time for your good as you seek Him and keep your mind on Truth. Look at this a a gift of time with a beneficial purpose.

In a day and age when our value is gauged by our performance, by our productivity (I am so guilty on this), by our sex appeal, by our personality...it is hard to just know how to be in the moment and relate to God, relate to each other.

So what is the directive for Carissa Monta in this period of waiting? In this time of waiting on God? In this time of limbo between Toms River and Kansas City? The directive is to just be with God and find contentment in Him. I heard a Christian counselor once define happiness not as "having what you want, but in wanting what you have". In other words, my goal is to be content with what I have in Toms River in the present and not be so focused in what could be in the future. I'm gonna just be content in present and know God now as He is and not worry about the future. I'm gonna put my future of France and the ministry there on a temporary hold, like a person putting a box of cereal on a shelf. I'm not throwing it away, just putting it away temporarily.

I'm gonna enjoy the holidays. I'm gonna live my life and not let shame get the best of me here in Toms River. I'm not gonna let the Devil rob me of my joy! I'm gonna be thankful for the little things of my day-to-day life here. I'm gonna learn about the history of Toms River and make peace with my past here. I think the reason why I felt shame here is because I had a lonely past here growing up. But no more. I'm gonna make my peace with you, Toms River. I'm gonna get in touch with people back here in Jersey and spend quality time with folks that perhaps I haven't seen in years. I'm gonna bury the hatchet. I'm gonna just enjoy life and find joy in God again in more ways. Finding contentment in Toms River, knowing peace in Toms River. Let God receive all the more glory that way.